Yesterday I decided to take a day and just be lazy. No, that's not quite right. I didn't decide to be lazy, it just happened because I didn't decide to do anything else.
It all began quite normally. I got up, made my bed and a cup of coffee, let the dogs out and then settled into my comfy chair to spend some time with Jesus, only He didn't show up. I felt slighted. Now, before you correct me, I already know that He is always with me, but this morning it didn't feel that way...and yes, I know that we are not supposed to live by our feelings. Knowing that didn't help, though. I missed that morning connection, which usually gets my day off to a wonderful start. I kept trying to make it happen, but it wasn't working.
I thought I might sit down and write for a bit, but that wasn't happening either. The words just wouldn't come. I wasn't inspired. Probably Jesus' fault for not showing up. (Just kidding.)
It only got worse from there. Went to get a bite to eat. Picked a lousy place and the food was yuck.
Stopped by the grocery store, intending to just pick up something for dinner. Ended up spending way more than I intended. I have no idea how that box of mini cream puffs ended up in my cart and a an hour later, after unpacking my groceries at home, how they ended up in my stomach. (Yes, the whole box.)
My eating has been out of control for the past couple of weeks. I've been working out at the gym 3-4 times a week for almost 2 years. Spent the first 6 months on the Daniel Plan diet, the next year on a Vegetarian Diet and the last 6 months on the Keto Diet. I only lose about 10 pounds in all that time. Now, I know that any weight loss is good, but I say only 10 pounds because in that last 6 month period, my husband joined me on the Keto Diet and lost about 30 pounds in that time. I'm very happy for him, but frustrated as all get out with my lack of result. Maybe that's what's driving me to eat all the things I denied myself before. I don't know, but it has to STOP!
After stuffing my face, I watched TV. Make that, binged watched TV - four hours before hubby got home and with him until bedtime. I did take time to make dinner - and eat again (dumb). Dropped into bed feeling miserable, bloated and guilty for wasting an entire day and for giving into food.
Woke up this morning feeling hungover. I remember that feeling from my drinking days (long, long ago). Fuzzy brain, sluggish body and a ton of guilt on my back.
I spent time with Jesus again this morning. He showed up this time, but it wasn't the same. Not His fault this time. My fault because I felt like I had "cheated" on Him. (Is any of this making sense to any one?) We had a good talk. I confessed, He forgave and all is good again.
Determined to have a better, more productive day today, but still feeling like I'm in a stall. Not like a horse stall. More like a stalled car. It won't go, I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. Sigh.
Okay, enough venting for today. Not sure that any part of this will be helpful to anyone else, but just had to get it out.
Praying you have a productive day,
Jan
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